Results tagged “Second Opinon”

Penny called through last week after hearing our interview with Terry Cooper about "Making Judgments Without Being Judgmental". She wanted advice on how to handle a judgmental husband. Maybe you can help...

Penny and her husband are both Christians, and she loves him dearly, but she's really struggling with his tendency to be judgmental and critical.

He's not necessarily judging towards Penny herself, but of other people.  He's critical of things like peoples appearance, he zooms in on the negative aspects of peoples character and judges people about things they do or say, and if someone neglects or offends him in even a small way, he remembers it and holds a grudge.

All of this is really affecting Penny's friendships with other people. She often feels she can't invite friends around because she knows what her husband thinks of them. He might not say anything at the time but he shows his judgmental attitude in his body language, and there is often a tense, awkward atmosphere as a result.

Penny wants to know how she can cope with this situation, and help her husband to overcome this tendency, without being judgmental herself, and damaging their relationship?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• How can Penny gently encourage her husband to see positives rather than negatives all the time?

• Is there a way that she can encourage him to be more forgiving and accepting?

• Generally whenever Penny tells husband not to be so judgmental and negative, he gets annoyed and tells Penny that SHE is the one being critical!

• So she wants to find a way to encourage him in the right direction without bossing him around and telling him what to do.

• Do you live with a critical, judgmental family member?

• What have you done that has helped them to change the way they see things?

Julie-Anne recently had a birthday, and her sister-in-law, let's call her Trish, asked her if she'd like a new hairdryer as a gift. Julie-Anne said sure, that sounds fine, since she needed one, and knew Trish could quite comfortably afford a good quality one. But when the gift came, it was a super-cheap version - The sticker from the Two-Dollar-Shop was still on the box, and it had only cost Trish $20.

Now the price tag itself is neither here nor there; What bothers Julie-Anne is the quality of electrical goods you get for $20... There's a reason these things make it to the Two-Dollar-Shop....  As she expected, the hairdryer turned out to be a flimsy one; and really not much good at drying her hair. In fact the instructions even warned shamelessly that you shouldn't use the product for too long at any one time. Clearly Julie-Anne has been sucked in and wasted her money.

Now you might be wondering , what's the big deal. There are far greater problems in the world to talk about. But obviously this isn't just about a $20 hairdryer. It's also about navigating a delicate relationship.

Julie-Anne says Trish is quite prone to being over-sensitive... Historically if her opinion is questioned or her ideas rejected in some way, she gets overly hurt and offended. So Julie-Anne's worried that if she says something, her sister-in-law could take offense. She's wondering what to do.  Let's give Julie-Anne some Second Opinions.

 
DISCUSSION POINTS

• Should she accept the gift with insincere thanks, use the cheap hairdryer, and risk it blowing up in her hands while using it, or at the very least, have it die on her after a few uses?

• Should she just leave it in the back of the cupboard to take up room and collect dust?

• Or - does she avoid the waste, Confess to her sister-in-law that the quality is highly questionable, and suggest she take it back to the shop for a refund?

• Julie-Anne's been stressing about this for a week; It seems like a small thing, but in her mind there's an important principle here of being open and honest with her sister-in-law, not wasting resources, and not encouraging her to give pointless gifts that just won't be used or appreciated.

• Do you have any policies or strategies of what to do when it comes to unwanted gifts?

• If you have an over-sensitive family member, do you have some strategies of how to handle them with sensitivity, yet without walking on eggshells around them?

• Maybe you have some tips for how to avoid this 'unwanted gift' situation too.

Raquel is one of five adult siblings, all in their 40s and 50s, who have 9 kids between them, aged from 5, to 23. For Raquel, the budget these days is quite tight, and it really is difficult now to keep buying Christmas presents for 9 nieces and nephews, and their parents - Particularly when, in all honesty, they really have everything they need - especially her adult brothers and sisters.
In the past these five siblings have actually agreed not to give gifts to each other, and just to focus on the kids instead, but slowly over the years they started again and are back to square one. How can Raquel broach the touchy topic once more, particularly when there's one sister who's a bit precious about still wanting to receive gifts - (despite her house already being cluttered with stuff)?
The other question is - what is an appropriate age to stop giving gifts to all the nieces and nephews, especially those who are now reaching their 20s? Financially its not really feasible to keep giving to each one at Christmas, as it all really adds up - and again it seems unnecessary. But will leaving some people out, make it awkward when they're all together in the loungeroom at the big family gathering?
Raquel is a generous and giving lady but she has to find a way to be realistic and draw a line here. Let's give her some Second Opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• If you've faced a similar situation, particularly if you're from a larger family, what have you done to try and solve the Christmas gift squeeze?
 
• Have those strategies worked, or just caused more problems?

• Have you faced conflict in your family because of gift-giving expectations? If so, how did you resolve it?

• When it comes to nieces, nephews and grandchildren, is there a good age that seems right to stop giving gifts, especially when the focus at Christmas is often on making it fun for the little kids.

• If you're a young person in a big family, perhaps a teenager or in your 20s, I'd love to hear from you about what your family does to get around the problem of many kids to buy for. What age did you stop getting presents from all the aunts, uncles and grandparents? How did you feel about that?

• I'm sure there's some creative ideas out there - Tell us about your Christmas gift truce /arrangements.
 

Gail works in a retail store, and one of her workmates has a real lack of personal presentation... Her hair often looks unwashed and messy; She frequently wears the same outfit to work several days in a row; and is happy to wear clothes with obvious foodstains on them... And - there's no polite way to put this -  she has a BO problem, quite consistently, and obviously doesn't use deodorant...

Now at first glance this issue may sound a little trivial... but it's actually quite a serious issue she's dealing with here. It's affecting not workmates, but customers too - You just can't work in retail and expect that customers don't notice your appearance or lack of attention to personal hygiene.

Gail has talked to her manager about it, and so has another staff member. The manager has then had a chat to the workmate  - but nothing has changed. The boss could escalate it by taking it higher, or bringing it up in a performance review... But Gail's wondering if there is a better way to deal with this before the poor lady has to be embarrassed or disciplined in some

Let's give Gail some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Gail's tried to raise the issue with her workmate herself, for example making a light-hearted comment about the foodstain on her clothes - - but the workmate has just shrugged it off.

• Is there anything she might be able to do to, gently, and out of love, to encourage her workmate to improve in this area of her appearance and caring for herself?

• If you've experienced a similar situation, what did you do?

• Gail is wondering why this lady doesn't care about her appearance: Perhaps she's a bit socially inept or just lacks self-awareness.

• Maybe she's just never been shown the value of looking neat and tidy, maybe she wasn't raised in an environment where it was considered important - or never shown how?

• Or perhaps there's something deeper - a real lack of self esteem or self-worth, perhaps, or maybe she's suffering from depression... that might make it harder to actually see a change

Melissa has a family problem that has crept up quietly, and will only get bigger if she does nothing about it.  She's married, with two little children, and has a very generous mother-in-law who loves doting on the children, by sending many gifts.

Now gifts are all very nice, except that this grandma sends far more than the kids will ever need. She lives interstate and often when she's out shopping, she'll ring Melissa, to ask if she needs anything for the kitchen, or if her much-adored grandchildren need any new toys or clothes. Often the answer is no, but she'll end up buying things anyway - usually expensive things - then posting them off, and ringing a few days later to check if the gift was received.

Melissa has very strong feelings about not spoiling her children, living quite simply, thinking of global need, and putting others first - So she often ends up storing the gifts away and later donating them to charity or someone who needs the gifts more. Yet when mum-in-law rings, she feels she has to act all grateful.

Melissa is starting to feel like she's deceiving her mother in law. Yet she's afraid of saying anything because she's worried that she'll hurt her feelings and remove one of the main things that allows her to feel valuable in Melissa's family.
 
What can Melissa do?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you had a point of contention like this with your parents in law?

• If you found an effective way to raise the issue, and resolve it, I'd love to hear from you.

• In particular, how can Melissa break this pattern of behaviour that's been going on for years now, without ruining the relationship with her mother-in-law, or making her feel as though she's been giving unwanted things for years?

• Are there some other ways of giving that Melissa might be able suggest to her mother in law, that will be more in line with Melissa's wishes and values? - Something that doesn't spoil the children?

• Have you ever felt the need to refuse a gift? If so, how did you do it without hurting the feelings of the giver?

EXPERTS POINTERS - Judith Nichols, our "Sagacious Font of Grandmotherly Wisdom".

• Melissa needs to put herself in her mother-in-laws shoes. I am a grandparent of kids who live interstate too so I know how this feels. This is one of her only means of showing her love, as she lives far away.
• If Melissa and her husband prefer to live simply, allow the mum-in-law to buy the clothes for the kids, and Melissa just use the money she saves to give to other projects. Or perhaps tell Grandma they will "save the clothes for special occasions" to dissuade her giving too many.
• If Melissa and her husband agree on this, it's HIS problem. His mum and his responsibility. Mothers will forgive their sons more easily than daughters in law!
• Overall, even if it's hard to say no to the mother in law, disappointing her is the lesser of two evils. It's worse to continue being dishonest!

Elizabeth is in an unusual situation with her ex-husband. The couple divorced a few years ago - after some serious betrayal brought an end to several years of marriage. But the pair are still very much emotionally attached.

They text and phone each other. They go for dinner and coffee. They still celebrate special occasions by giving each other gifts.  Yet he shows no interest in returning to marriage with her. He is moving on with his life, has new circles of friends, and is pursuing other relationships. Elizabeth feels she still loves him and has raised the idea of renewing the marriage many times, but his answer is always a flat no.

Obviously the ex-husband, let's call him Mike, is sending very mixed messages.
Recently he offered to take Elizabeth on a major holiday because they still have so much in common and he knew that they would enjoy each others company - And despite herself, Elizabeth found herself going along. She thought this might be a sign that there was hope to renew the marriage. She was devastated in the end, to learn that he only wanted some company on the holiday and nothing more.

Elizabeth has been through massive trauma and emotional problems over this. She has tried everything she can to start a new life and move on, but she can't seem to let go. Every time she cuts off contact, she finds herself eventually texting him or phoning him when she feels lonely, and the cycle starts again.

How can Elizabeth resolve this, and get closure?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you found yourself in this scenario - still feeling emotional attachment after a divorce?
 
• What did you do that helped?

• If you have had to move on from a very close relationship with someone, what helped you to make the break and find closure?

• The pair are still in some similar social circles and so Elizabeth finds at times she has to avoid going to things he might be at. How can they get around this problem?
 
• Elizabeth is the one who left him in the first place and even she was the one who was betrayed and felt right to leave, she still feels a sense of guilt about initiating the divorce. Is this normal?

• Despite Mike's mistakes, and despite his no-go when it comes to remarrying, Elizabeth still feels that she loves him, particularly now that he seems to have changed his ways. As a result she's very hesitant to pursue any other relationship because if she had the slightest chance to return to her former husband, she thinks she'd drop everything and go for it. How can she find the courage to open up to a relationship with someone new?

 
EXPERTS POINTERS - Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist.

IF Mike is consistently saying NO to renewing the marriage, AND pursuing other relationships, THEN your challenge it to LET GO, or move toward letting go!  It sounds like you are the one emotionally dependant on him, unable to say No?
 
Emotional dependancy comes from feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, that make us need someone else to feel good about ourselves.  This is perpetuated by negative self-talk and negative self-beliefs that think no one else could love me, and stem from not accepting yourself.  This is in the realm of psychotherapy that really does benefit from having a counsellor or psychologist to guide you through.
 
1.   Moving away from emotional dependency involves this inner work of accepting and strengthening yourself - ie cultivating self-talk that is affirming (I enjoy being me, I can do this, I can help myself feel good about being me, I can care for myself emotionally  etc).  As Chrsitians we have rich resources to mine in God's Word about His honest and realistic love for me, and how He has had His hand shaping my life, making me the person that I am today.
It also involves being clear and disciplined with yourself about choosing to MOVE ON FROM MIKE.  I would write yourself a long list of reasons  why you want to move on.  This will really help in the dark times when your soul and body want him back.
 
2.    It also involves practical issues of cultivating other interests and friendships, and particulary friendships where there can be healthy emotional intimacy.  In Christian circles, prayer partnerships or prayer triplets are excellent ways of doing this- meeting each week or fortnight to share our lives and pray for each other.  You could speak to your Minister about other women in your church with whom this might be possible.     
You want to be enriching your life, enlarging your social circles, taking on a new hobby to distract yourself from the emotional pain of Mike.
 
3.    You also need to communicate clearly with Mike, that because he is unable to reciprocate your feelings, you now need to fully separate yourself from him to be able to start a fesh chapter in your life.  Tell him that you will not be returning calls or texts, and no longer exchanging gifts and sharing holidays.  Maybe after 12-18 months, you can explore resuming a friendship, but for the time being you need space from him (despite how much this will hurt you). 
 
Ironically, it is as we become more independant and strong within ourselves, that we become more attractive to others!  But first, there is a painful and necessary journey of overcoming emotional dependancy.