Results tagged “Second Opinion”

Louise has always had a difficult relationship with her mother--let's call her mum Barb. There's been odd behaviour over the years and Barb has never been one to apologise for any wrong she's done. That created a nasty situation recently.

Louise had taken a day off work, struggling with depression--something she experiences occasionally. She saw the doctor, got some medication and went home to rest. She wasn't going to tell either of her parents, as she didn't want them worried, but during a phone conversation that night with her dad, he picked up that she wasn't well, and ended up telling Louise's mum.

Unfortunately, mum (Barb) likes a drama--and that's what she created. When Louise got to work the next day she discovered Barb had called a number of Louise's workmates--the security guard, the switchboard operator and another colleague--leaving urgent messages indicating that Louise was suicidal and they should do something about it. Barb hadn't called Louise directly--just her colleagues--and there was absolutely no reason for that level of concern.

As you can imagine, Louise was furious, embarrassed, and hurt. Why hadn't her mum contacted her directly? Unfortunately, similar things have happened in the past. A series of emails ensued that made Louise even more upset. Her mother seemed more interested in proving her actions right than, even during the email conversation, actually asking how Louise was. The upshot of it all is that Louise, still in some degree of depression, told her mum she couldn't talk to her again until she was ready to apologise and guarantee she wouldn't do such a thing again.

The problem is, Louise has never heard her mum apologise in her life and she's wondering--what should I do now?

Let's give her some second opinions.

• What do you do when you have drawn a boundary, that's likely to stay in place for a long time?

• If you've drawn boundaries with a difficult family member, share your thoughts.

• How do you maintain a connection with that family member, and show love, while still protecting your own emotional well-being?

EXPERT OPINION - Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist

With some "friends",  a long term boundary is ok. But with parents (where we are trying to "honour" them in some way, ala the 5th Commandment), I would look to redefine the boundary in a slightly different way.
Boundaries don't have to be black or white. You can decide what you think is appropriate.  
 
It is important for you to NOT feel POWERLESS in this (as powerlessness leads to depression), and for you to know and remind yourself, of the choices that you have in this relationship.  You cannot change your mother, but you can do other things: 
 
1.    Your own decisions/thinking.  YOU can decide what level of communication you have with your Mum , and your Dad (he was out of line here too.....). Will you keep it
            (i)  totally safe (no risk)                  -  current affairs, your events, weather!!
            (ii) some sharing (some risk)          -  some of your thoughts and feelings
            (iii) open and vulnerable (big risk)    -  your deepest thoughts, feelings, challenges etc
 
   You can still be loving and caring to her, while keeping your communication at level one.
 
Remember to keep perspective.  Your Mum is quite a fragile (can i say emotionally damaged) lady.  She would probably met the criteria for a Personality Disorder, though I wouldn't ever use that word to her, and only mention it, to help you get a healthy perpsective on her in your own thinking.
 
2.    HOW you communicate to her. It is often helpful to communicate:   

-  your feelings, ie your humiliation and anger, about her behaviour with your colleagues.
-  your desire for her to apologise. 

You can ask her for what you want her to do in future, if she is really worried about your safety (ie phone you, or a close friend, who knows what your Mum is like), KNOWING that they may or may not do what you ask!!! Similarly, you can ask her to apologise, in the light of how she has hurt you, BUT i don't think you can demand an apology, without it becoming an ugly power game.
 
I think there is something profoundly "Christian" or Christ-like in "honouring our parents", despite their weaknesses.  It is too easy to dismiss them and be unforgiving ourselves.  We have to get our head around "doing to them as we would like them to do to us", ie what caring with boundaries looks like. 

Ron's in a tricky situation regarding his career path, and figuring out the will of God for his life, and he's wondering if you can help him make sense of it all...

For the past 10 years Ron has been working in an office job. It's been fun, he's made good friendships, and it's paid the bills, but he's never been fully satisfied by the work. Now, he's reached the point where he just has to change. 

Ron is very much a people person and for a long time has had his heart set on working in the aged care industry - helping and working with elderly folk. But it seems that every door he's knocked on in that area, stays shut.

For several months now he's been sending out resumes, searching online for jobs, and feeling like he's getting nowhere. Ron's a Christian and so he's been praying for guidance and God's help in getting him a breakthrough.

It's now got to the point where he's wondering if God has already answered his prayer, and if the answer is "No, Go Back, Wrong Way". Is God keeping those doors shut for a reason?

And if so, how does he find a door and a direction that God will open for him? Give us your thoughts...

• How long do you keep trying to reach your dream goal?

• When do you know if God is closing the door on that dream, and that it's time to give up, or put it on the shelf for another day?
 
• And what about Free Will? Ron knows that God has given him a free will but also has submitted his life to God's guiding and believes that God may have a plan in mind for his job... How should he balance these two things?

• Ron's been finding it quite confusing, especially when everyone around him seems to have a different opinion on what he should do and what God's will might be.

• Ron's not so much looking for career advice, but more spiritual advice - on how to know when God is saying yes, wait, or no - to a specific goal you have in mind.

• If you had a similar experience of seeking after a certain dream, how did you find that God helped you in guiding the process? Did he shut the door, or perhaps open another door you didn't expect?

Tonight we're tackling a family scenario:  A listener in his 50s, Jim, is tiptoeing around a tricky situation between his unmarried old brother, and their elderly mum.

The brother, we'll call him Bob, is a hoarder who can't throw anything away - and the junk he's accumulated over the years is starting to overtake mum's house. His old things have so far filled the garage, and two other rooms.  Mum finds it quite upsetting as she likes things to be tidy; and the junk is restricting access to areas of her own house. 

It all came to a head recently when she had visitors coming to stay, and understandably wanted things sorted out and cleaned up - - but the son refused. Mum likes to keep everyone happy so is too timid to agitate about it much; And whenever the siblings try to step in and urge this brother to sort out his junk, he threatens to leave.  What can Jim do?

Let's give him some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Jim realises that his mum needs to make a stand, which she sometimes tries to do, but she's afraid Bob might leave, and that's the last thing she wants. She likes having his company, despite the mess, and doesn't want to end up on her own.

• How do you help solve a touchy family dilemma when it's a situation between your parent and one of your other siblings?

• Is it Jim's role to step in at all, or should he be leaving it up to Bob and their Mum to work it out?

• How do you encourage a hoarder to realize how their mess is affecting people around them?

• And how can you help them to let go of their junk and make steps towards cleaning up?

• If Bob's just not able to let go of his possessions, regardless of how junky they may be, is there some sort of compromise they might be able to reach here that will make things easier for everyone?

EXPERTS POINTERS - FROM JUDITH NICHOLS

This problem is a good example of why all mothers should encourage their sons to leave home when they're young (even if they return) so that they learn not to be selfish.

Hoarding when it comprises the saving of articles that other people consider junk; takes up space intended for other uses eg spare bedrooms and when the hoarder becomes agitated at the possible loss of the hoard. 
Like all compulsive behaviour it has its roots in a desire to control a fear or stems from an inability to make decisions.
I think the son may be resistant to counselling.  He  successfully deals with his fears by hoarding and that relieves his inner tension.
If you threaten the hoarder he may become so agitated that he will leave so you may need to be prepared for that. 
It would be good to find out insurance or council regulations about the junk especially if it is flammable; set this before the son and then suggest the counselling.
Perhaps you can reach a family compromise where everybody contributes and the hoard is stored in a commercial storage unity.
Threats and confrontation will only add to the problem.  If he looks after his Mum so well maybe that is the trade-off that has to be accepted.

Steve's brother, let's call him Adrian, has a new girlfriend...  The guy is head over heels, besotted. The problem is, no-one else in the family likes her. Steve, and his parents, think the girl is arrogant and ignorant. She comes from a family environment that raised her to have a great deal of self-confidence; as a result she comes across at times as quite self-centred.

One of Steve's main concerns is that after only two months of dating, the young couple is already talking about marriage and going into a marriage prep course. Nothing wrong with getting married, but Steve's afraid that Adrian is rushing in, blinded by infatuation, without really getting to know this girl properly.

He's also worried about how dramatically and suddenly Adrian has been changed by this relationship. Before meeting the girlfriend he was off the rails regarding his Christian faith. Since meeting her, he's suddenly become quite fanatical about God - Now at face value, that seems great. But Steve fears that the change isn't genuine and that he may just revert to his old ways once they enter married life.

Let's give Steve some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Can Steve do anything about it? Should he talk to his brother?

• Or is it not his place to confront his brother about this?

• How important, do you think, is the opinion of family members? On one hand they're not the ones who will have to live with this girl, surely Steve is able to judge whether they're compatible. But then again, maybe the family can see things that Adrian can't.
 
• Should Steve and the family just butt out and let Adrian work it out? Are they worrying too much? Should they trust more in the power of commitment to make it work?

• And what about the dramatic and sudden change in Adrian? Are Steve's concerns reasonable? That Adrian may be just changing for the girlfriend, but not experiencing a true spiritual change?

EXPERTS POINTERS from Judith Nichols.

* While families can see what you can't at times, this family should be more encouraging about Adrian's return to faith and not let their expectations of what that should look like, deflate his enthusiasm.

* It's good that he is going into marriage preparation - while it's early days, such a course will bring up the issues that he and his girlfriend need to start addressing.

* If Adrian and his girlfriend choose to marry, after that the Bible says that parents no longer have a say in their decisions. They should support him.

Richard is dealing with a major gambling problem - not his own, but his former wife's. She has a serious addiction to poker machines.

Even though the couple separated a number of years ago, Richard has been bailing her out of her debts over and over again all that time - not so much for her sake, but more for the sake of their three kids, who still live with their mum. Richard continues to pay not only the debts but most of the family's living expenses - because mum gambles away much of her money. Sometimes he feels like a sucker for punishment but the sacrifice has enabled him to stay close to his children and be sure that they're ok.

But it's starting to really trouble him. He's wondering if it's time to draw the line, put the foot down and bring an end to the destructive cycle. What can Richard do?

Let's give him some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Is it time for the kids to move in with their dad, who will be a more responsible carer for them?
 
• Should he pressure his wife, withdraw the support, and let her feel the cold?

• The kids are getting older and will soon be able to get jobs and earn their own money. He's worried their money might be drawn into their mum's problem too.

• On the other hand he feels terrible about the idea of taking them from their mum because despite her gambling issue, she is actually a good mum in many ways.
 
• How many times do you keep bailing out a problem gambler, even if you're doing it to protect other people you love?

NATIONAL GAMBLING HELPLINE - 1800 858 858

GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS - 1800 00 22 10

This week's dilemma comes from Sam; He's wondering what to do when you come across someone begging for money.  Sam works in the city and often encounters people asking for money - from old scruffy guys sitting on the street corner holding a sign explaining their desperate situation;  To young people on the train station simply coming up and asking for $2 or $5, supposedly to help them buy their train ticket.

Sam's a pretty compassionate guy and whenever he sees someone in need he wants to help out; but he's torn every time - because also really concerned about where the money's going . If it's just going to help the person buy their next bottle of alcohol or their next hit of drugs, obviously that's not going to help them at all. But he feels terrible if he just walks on by and ignores the situation.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• What do you do when you come across someone begging?
 
• There's a few options here: 
- Give to them
- Give to a charity instead
- Give only to people who seem to be doing something honest and productive - eg homeless people selling the Big Issue.
- Don't give money - only give practical things. Eg take them to lunch or buy them a drink.

• I'd love to hear from you if you've ever found yourself in such a desperate situation that you had to beg or at least thought about it.

• How did you feel, and if you did beg for money, what did you use it for?

• Is there anything helpful we can do for people who are begging, or is the most helpful thing to leave it to the experts - charities doing street work?

EXPERT OPINION - Hilton Harmer, Retired Salvation Army Major who works with the homeless in Sydney.

* Get to know a person who's begging - forge a connection

* Understand that homeless people, even if they  choose that life, are marginalised and need support.

* I choose never to give cash but give things people will need instead - eg food, blanket, accommodation, buy their transport ticket. If they have a need, try to meet it.

* Respect that people have a choice as to whether they accept your offer or not.

* Be concerned and always have a charitable attitude towards the homeless.

Lucinda faces a bit of a dilemma with her father-in-law's habit of dropping around to visit. Any time he comes by, even if it's just to pick something up or drop something off that he's borrowed, it's never a quick hello - it inevitably leads to a request for a cuppa; And with Lucinda's father in law, let's call him Bob, a request for a cuppa doesn't mean just a cuppa. What it really means is, let's all sit down and have an hour-long, heart-to-heart chat.

That would be fine if she knew it was coming up and could factor it into her plans - but sometimes it's on weeknights when Lucinda's in the middle of cooking dinner and getting things ready for the next day; Other times it's on the weekend when she's got her day already mapped out, trying to finish things around the house and do some homework before another busy week of work and part-time study. Once Lucinda tried to make it clear that she just didn't have time and felt that Bob was quite offended.

What can you do in this situation - is there a way to tell your parent-in-law that they can't stay, without offending them?

Let's give Lucinda some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you had these kind of experiences with your parents in law - what did you do?

• Is it ok to have boundaries, or is Lucinda maybe being too rigid about how she uses her time? Should she be making more time for unexpected visitors?

• Often this becomes an issue when a married couple are from very different families - one with parents who are very casual and relaxed about spending time together, the other whose parents make official plans for everything. If that's you, I'd like to hear your thoughts on what Lucinda can do.

• How can you be clear with your parents in law about your boundaries, while still keeping a good relationship?
 

Tonight we have a dilemma that's a little out of the ordinary, because it comes from one of the youngest members of our audience - Tim is in year 6, he's just 12 years old, and he wants your advice on a problem he's facing at school.

Tim's being bullied, by one of his good friends.
It started a year ago, when a group of kids were picking on Tim, and making fun of him. It all became too much so Tim did something about it. He went and told his teachers that he'd been injured by what they were doing. Now part of the story wasn't true. Tim was certainly upset by their actions, but the actual injury is something he faked. He regrets that he lied, but it's just what he did at the time to try and put an end to the teasing. After Tim dobbed, his friend - let's call him Ricky - got in big trouble with the school principal. As a result, Ricky turned against Tim and started bullying him, and now, a full year later, has still got a big grudge.

Tim doesn't know what to do. He's tried ignoring Ricky's mean comments, but whatever he does, the bullying just continues.

Let's give Tim some second opinions.

• How should Tim respond to the bullying? Is there any steps he can take to try and stop it?

• Should he talk to teachers about it? Keeping in mind that's already turned bad for Tim once.

• What can you do to avoid being a target of bullying in the first place?

• What role can parents play?

• Have you had experience in this area - with your child or even yourself? What did you do that worked? What doesn't work?

• It's interesting that Tim still calls Ricky a friend. He's quite sad that he has lost his friendship... is there any way he can maybe make amends and become friends again?

EXPERTS POINTERS - Wendy Protheroe, General Manager of Kids Help Line.

Tim tried to stop others picking on him by taking action and talking to adult - that was good.
What wasn't good was that he embellished the story and the result was obviously that his friend got into trouble - for something that he didn't do.

It's really good that Tim has owned up to what he did wrong (to us) - but it doesn't sound as though he has told his friend that or told his Principal.  The friend is dealing with his anger, embarrassment and sense of injustice by bullying Tim.  The friend is wrong and needs to be stopped, but Tim is partially to blame for the situation and needs to take his part too.

The really powerful thing to do is to be the first one to take the step to make things better. Tim still calls the other boy his friend so he must want them to still be friends.  If bullies can't get power over you then they often drop off their behaviour. There is no benefit to what they are doing if they aren't intimidating you.

When we see someone as a friend then we want to have good and positive relationships with them. Tim needs to decide how strong he is and take some steps himself to make this better.

He could admit what happened, ask the adult then to help broker a conversation with his friend that can lead to apologies on both sides and the relationship can move forward.  He could ask an adult help him and his mate brainstorm how they can get back to having fun together.

He'll also be demonstrating that he isn't afraid to take the best step in dealing with bullies and that's to tell a safe adult. He's letting his mate know that he isn't afraid and that if it happens again then he is strong enough to go back to the safe adult to help solve the problem

Wow for Tim - forgetting everything else, he knows he did something he wished he hadn't and he is strong enough to put it right before he worries himself sick.  That takes a pretty big man and for bullies, it is very powerful to see someone who isn't afraid to stand up for the truth and take action so that the friendship can get better.

KIDS HELPLINE: 1800 55 1800

Sheree's flatmate (let's call her Penny) has a problem with exaggerating... or to put it more bluntly, lying. Often Penny will come home with some dramatic story of something that's happened to her that day, which Sheree can tell is at least partly untrue.

Recently it came to a head when Penny was involved in a small domestic mishap, of very little consequence. Penny started bragging to friends in an email about the great drama that had unfolded, and by the end of the day, the story had grown beyond proportion.  Sheree knows most of the story isn't true, as she was home at the time knows what actually happened. Sheree confronted he flatmate about the grand story, but Penny denied he was lying, told Sheree she didn't see everything that happened, etc.

Sheree's wondering what she can do. Her flatmate is a good friend and she doesn't want her to come unstuck because of a bad habit. There's the problem of Penny's friends being lied to as well--including her boyfriend.  When will the tall tales be found out and Penny's friends and boyfriend feel inevitably lied to? Apparently Penny's always been a storyteller but has never grown out of it.

Let's give Sheree some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Telling a tall tale might be cute for a little kid, but for an adult it's got greater consequences... how can Sheree help her flatmate to see the effect it's having on the people around her?

• Sheree wonders if there's something deeper going on that could be causing her flatmate to behave this way, and if so, whether there's a way to address it?

• How do you confront someone and help them to see their problem, especially when they've already denied it once?

EXPERT POINTERS from Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist.

Like any emotional or behavioural problem that you notice in a friend, you can really do NOTHING about it unless THEY decide to face it (except of course, pray and communicate well).
 
As a flatmate, I would look for a relaxed time to have a chat with Penny, to say that your concern has continued about her behaviour, and that you are worried about the impact it could have on her relationships.
 
I would use really gentle language, like "exaggerate", as "lying" implies a more sinister motive. 
When she exaggerates again, gently challenge her about it.  This Reality Check is the most helpful thing you can be doing for her.
 
Rather than just pointing the finger at her problem, it can be quite powerful to share with her an area of growth that you are working on, and your own journey in understanding yourself.  This puts you on the same level as "fellow travellers", rather than making her the one with the problem.
 
This kind of behaviour is quite clearly an issue of low self-esteem, needing to pretend to be better than I am, and is best dealt with with an experienced counsellor or psychologist.  It has no official diagnosis, but in its extreme form, is associated with several of the personality disorders (a term I would NOT be using with your flatmate!!).  You probably could say to her, that truthfulness and integrity are profoundly important issues in any friendship, because they are the basis for trust, and that she is really compromising her relationships and herself when she "flavours the truth".
 
If her behaviour continues unabated, and she is ignoring your requests for truthfulness, then you have choices about setting boundaries in your friendship, that might include moving out.