Results tagged “Marriage”

For the last two months we've journeyed through a series of interviews on "The Single Life", looking at how to be a contented single, what to do with unrequited love, sexual purity, single parenting and more. We wrap up this week with something for singles who would like to not be single forever - a chat about Marrying Well.

Steve and Candice Watters have worked for many years with Focus on the Family on relationships and family issues; Candice wrote the famously titled book Get Married: What Women Can Do To Help It Happen; And together they edited the "Guys and Girls Guides to Marrying Well".

Free downloads of these booklets are at www.boundless.org.

Elizabeth is in an unusual situation with her ex-husband. The couple divorced a few years ago - after some serious betrayal brought an end to several years of marriage. But the pair are still very much emotionally attached.

They text and phone each other. They go for dinner and coffee. They still celebrate special occasions by giving each other gifts.  Yet he shows no interest in returning to marriage with her. He is moving on with his life, has new circles of friends, and is pursuing other relationships. Elizabeth feels she still loves him and has raised the idea of renewing the marriage many times, but his answer is always a flat no.

Obviously the ex-husband, let's call him Mike, is sending very mixed messages.
Recently he offered to take Elizabeth on a major holiday because they still have so much in common and he knew that they would enjoy each others company - And despite herself, Elizabeth found herself going along. She thought this might be a sign that there was hope to renew the marriage. She was devastated in the end, to learn that he only wanted some company on the holiday and nothing more.

Elizabeth has been through massive trauma and emotional problems over this. She has tried everything she can to start a new life and move on, but she can't seem to let go. Every time she cuts off contact, she finds herself eventually texting him or phoning him when she feels lonely, and the cycle starts again.

How can Elizabeth resolve this, and get closure?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you found yourself in this scenario - still feeling emotional attachment after a divorce?
 
• What did you do that helped?

• If you have had to move on from a very close relationship with someone, what helped you to make the break and find closure?

• The pair are still in some similar social circles and so Elizabeth finds at times she has to avoid going to things he might be at. How can they get around this problem?
 
• Elizabeth is the one who left him in the first place and even she was the one who was betrayed and felt right to leave, she still feels a sense of guilt about initiating the divorce. Is this normal?

• Despite Mike's mistakes, and despite his no-go when it comes to remarrying, Elizabeth still feels that she loves him, particularly now that he seems to have changed his ways. As a result she's very hesitant to pursue any other relationship because if she had the slightest chance to return to her former husband, she thinks she'd drop everything and go for it. How can she find the courage to open up to a relationship with someone new?

 
EXPERTS POINTERS - Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist.

IF Mike is consistently saying NO to renewing the marriage, AND pursuing other relationships, THEN your challenge it to LET GO, or move toward letting go!  It sounds like you are the one emotionally dependant on him, unable to say No?
 
Emotional dependancy comes from feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, that make us need someone else to feel good about ourselves.  This is perpetuated by negative self-talk and negative self-beliefs that think no one else could love me, and stem from not accepting yourself.  This is in the realm of psychotherapy that really does benefit from having a counsellor or psychologist to guide you through.
 
1.   Moving away from emotional dependency involves this inner work of accepting and strengthening yourself - ie cultivating self-talk that is affirming (I enjoy being me, I can do this, I can help myself feel good about being me, I can care for myself emotionally  etc).  As Chrsitians we have rich resources to mine in God's Word about His honest and realistic love for me, and how He has had His hand shaping my life, making me the person that I am today.
It also involves being clear and disciplined with yourself about choosing to MOVE ON FROM MIKE.  I would write yourself a long list of reasons  why you want to move on.  This will really help in the dark times when your soul and body want him back.
 
2.    It also involves practical issues of cultivating other interests and friendships, and particulary friendships where there can be healthy emotional intimacy.  In Christian circles, prayer partnerships or prayer triplets are excellent ways of doing this- meeting each week or fortnight to share our lives and pray for each other.  You could speak to your Minister about other women in your church with whom this might be possible.     
You want to be enriching your life, enlarging your social circles, taking on a new hobby to distract yourself from the emotional pain of Mike.
 
3.    You also need to communicate clearly with Mike, that because he is unable to reciprocate your feelings, you now need to fully separate yourself from him to be able to start a fesh chapter in your life.  Tell him that you will not be returning calls or texts, and no longer exchanging gifts and sharing holidays.  Maybe after 12-18 months, you can explore resuming a friendship, but for the time being you need space from him (despite how much this will hurt you). 
 
Ironically, it is as we become more independant and strong within ourselves, that we become more attractive to others!  But first, there is a painful and necessary journey of overcoming emotional dependancy.

A story appeared in the papers this week, about Prenups  - It's one that pops up in the media from time to time, saying that law firms have reported a rise in the demand for Prenuptial Agreements. One company says its they're drafting triple the number of Prenups they were doing just a few years ago - for baby boomers on their second marriages, young professionals, and people from wealthy families protecting the family estate. There's even DIY Prenuptial kits you can buy online - which some say is a recipe for disaster. The story got me thinking about the whole issue of Prenuptials and it's one that needs some discussion - so we spoke this week to Anne Hollonds the CEO of Relationships Australia about it.

I'd like to get your thoughts on Prenuptial agreements.

DISCUSSION POINTS

•  Have you ever made prenuptial agreements?

• If so, what factors led you to make that decision, and has it affected your relationship in any way - for better or worse?

• Perhaps you thought about prenuptials for a while but decided against it - what was the reason for that decision?

• Do you think they're a good idea or a bad idea?

• Some people feel the idea is fundamentally anti-marriage and an indication of a couples doubts that their marriage will last - Do you agree or disagree?

• Perhaps you think they're simply a practical tool in case the worst happens - given today's divorce statistics, you can understand many couples wanting to put some sort of safety net in place.

Steve's brother, let's call him Adrian, has a new girlfriend...  The guy is head over heels, besotted. The problem is, no-one else in the family likes her. Steve, and his parents, think the girl is arrogant and ignorant. She comes from a family environment that raised her to have a great deal of self-confidence; as a result she comes across at times as quite self-centred.

One of Steve's main concerns is that after only two months of dating, the young couple is already talking about marriage and going into a marriage prep course. Nothing wrong with getting married, but Steve's afraid that Adrian is rushing in, blinded by infatuation, without really getting to know this girl properly.

He's also worried about how dramatically and suddenly Adrian has been changed by this relationship. Before meeting the girlfriend he was off the rails regarding his Christian faith. Since meeting her, he's suddenly become quite fanatical about God - Now at face value, that seems great. But Steve fears that the change isn't genuine and that he may just revert to his old ways once they enter married life.

Let's give Steve some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Can Steve do anything about it? Should he talk to his brother?

• Or is it not his place to confront his brother about this?

• How important, do you think, is the opinion of family members? On one hand they're not the ones who will have to live with this girl, surely Steve is able to judge whether they're compatible. But then again, maybe the family can see things that Adrian can't.
 
• Should Steve and the family just butt out and let Adrian work it out? Are they worrying too much? Should they trust more in the power of commitment to make it work?

• And what about the dramatic and sudden change in Adrian? Are Steve's concerns reasonable? That Adrian may be just changing for the girlfriend, but not experiencing a true spiritual change?

EXPERTS POINTERS from Judith Nichols.

* While families can see what you can't at times, this family should be more encouraging about Adrian's return to faith and not let their expectations of what that should look like, deflate his enthusiasm.

* It's good that he is going into marriage preparation - while it's early days, such a course will bring up the issues that he and his girlfriend need to start addressing.

* If Adrian and his girlfriend choose to marry, after that the Bible says that parents no longer have a say in their decisions. They should support him.