Results tagged “Family”

Melissa has a family problem that has crept up quietly, and will only get bigger if she does nothing about it.  She's married, with two little children, and has a very generous mother-in-law who loves doting on the children, by sending many gifts.

Now gifts are all very nice, except that this grandma sends far more than the kids will ever need. She lives interstate and often when she's out shopping, she'll ring Melissa, to ask if she needs anything for the kitchen, or if her much-adored grandchildren need any new toys or clothes. Often the answer is no, but she'll end up buying things anyway - usually expensive things - then posting them off, and ringing a few days later to check if the gift was received.

Melissa has very strong feelings about not spoiling her children, living quite simply, thinking of global need, and putting others first - So she often ends up storing the gifts away and later donating them to charity or someone who needs the gifts more. Yet when mum-in-law rings, she feels she has to act all grateful.

Melissa is starting to feel like she's deceiving her mother in law. Yet she's afraid of saying anything because she's worried that she'll hurt her feelings and remove one of the main things that allows her to feel valuable in Melissa's family.
 
What can Melissa do?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you had a point of contention like this with your parents in law?

• If you found an effective way to raise the issue, and resolve it, I'd love to hear from you.

• In particular, how can Melissa break this pattern of behaviour that's been going on for years now, without ruining the relationship with her mother-in-law, or making her feel as though she's been giving unwanted things for years?

• Are there some other ways of giving that Melissa might be able suggest to her mother in law, that will be more in line with Melissa's wishes and values? - Something that doesn't spoil the children?

• Have you ever felt the need to refuse a gift? If so, how did you do it without hurting the feelings of the giver?

EXPERTS POINTERS - Judith Nichols, our "Sagacious Font of Grandmotherly Wisdom".

• Melissa needs to put herself in her mother-in-laws shoes. I am a grandparent of kids who live interstate too so I know how this feels. This is one of her only means of showing her love, as she lives far away.
• If Melissa and her husband prefer to live simply, allow the mum-in-law to buy the clothes for the kids, and Melissa just use the money she saves to give to other projects. Or perhaps tell Grandma they will "save the clothes for special occasions" to dissuade her giving too many.
• If Melissa and her husband agree on this, it's HIS problem. His mum and his responsibility. Mothers will forgive their sons more easily than daughters in law!
• Overall, even if it's hard to say no to the mother in law, disappointing her is the lesser of two evils. It's worse to continue being dishonest!

There's a new kind of family on the rise in Australia's capital cities;
They are the NETTELS- That's N-E-T-T-E-L, standing for "Not Enough Time To Enjoy Life"... Families where both parents work full-time, in high pressure, high-income jobs, while still juggling the demands of raising young children.  (Basically, they're DINKS who have gone on to have kids, but held onto their careers)
Some of you may have seen social trends expert Bernard Salt talking about this topic on the SBS show The Nest last night; He's the one who coined the NETTEL acronym, and he chatted with us about the topic this week.

Now I'd like to hear your thoughts on this topic. Does the description of the NETTEL family ring any bells with you?

• Are you and your partner juggling two jobs and kids?
 
• Tell us why you've chosen this lifestyle. Everyone's situation is unique.  For you it might be necessary financially, perhaps you live in an expensive part of town and have no choice - Or it might be to do with your careers - perhaps you and your spouse really love your jobs and still want to keep contact with those jobs even though you're raising children?
 
• What are the challenges and costs of this lifestyle? How do you manage? Maybe you've got some tips and strategies for families that are struggling to balance it all.

• I'd also really love to hear if you've had a sea-change - perhaps you are a parent, and you and your partner used to be on double income, but the pressure caused you to change your lifestyle; scale back. Tell us your experience.

• What are your thoughts on this rise in working families? What do you think are some of the long-term effects?

Lucinda faces a bit of a dilemma with her father-in-law's habit of dropping around to visit. Any time he comes by, even if it's just to pick something up or drop something off that he's borrowed, it's never a quick hello - it inevitably leads to a request for a cuppa; And with Lucinda's father in law, let's call him Bob, a request for a cuppa doesn't mean just a cuppa. What it really means is, let's all sit down and have an hour-long, heart-to-heart chat.

That would be fine if she knew it was coming up and could factor it into her plans - but sometimes it's on weeknights when Lucinda's in the middle of cooking dinner and getting things ready for the next day; Other times it's on the weekend when she's got her day already mapped out, trying to finish things around the house and do some homework before another busy week of work and part-time study. Once Lucinda tried to make it clear that she just didn't have time and felt that Bob was quite offended.

What can you do in this situation - is there a way to tell your parent-in-law that they can't stay, without offending them?

Let's give Lucinda some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you had these kind of experiences with your parents in law - what did you do?

• Is it ok to have boundaries, or is Lucinda maybe being too rigid about how she uses her time? Should she be making more time for unexpected visitors?

• Often this becomes an issue when a married couple are from very different families - one with parents who are very casual and relaxed about spending time together, the other whose parents make official plans for everything. If that's you, I'd like to hear your thoughts on what Lucinda can do.

• How can you be clear with your parents in law about your boundaries, while still keeping a good relationship?