Second Opinion - Divorced But Still Attached
Elizabeth is in an unusual situation with her ex-husband. The couple divorced a few years ago - after some serious betrayal brought an end to several years of marriage. But the pair are still very much emotionally attached.
They text and phone each other. They go for dinner and coffee. They still celebrate special occasions by giving each other gifts. Yet he shows no interest in returning to marriage with her. He is moving on with his life, has new circles of friends, and is pursuing other relationships. Elizabeth feels she still loves him and has raised the idea of renewing the marriage many times, but his answer is always a flat no.
Obviously the ex-husband, let's call him Mike, is sending very mixed messages.
Recently he offered to take Elizabeth on a major holiday because they still have so much in common and he knew that they would enjoy each others company - And despite herself, Elizabeth found herself going along. She thought this might be a sign that there was hope to renew the marriage. She was devastated in the end, to learn that he only wanted some company on the holiday and nothing more.
Elizabeth has been through massive trauma and emotional problems over this. She has tried everything she can to start a new life and move on, but she can't seem to let go. Every time she cuts off contact, she finds herself eventually texting him or phoning him when she feels lonely, and the cycle starts again.
How can Elizabeth resolve this, and get closure?
DISCUSSION POINTS
• Have you found yourself in this scenario - still feeling emotional attachment after a divorce?
• What did you do that helped?
• If you have had to move on from a very close relationship with someone, what helped you to make the break and find closure?
• The pair are still in some similar social circles and so Elizabeth finds at times she has to avoid going to things he might be at. How can they get around this problem?
• Elizabeth is the one who left him in the first place and even she was the one who was betrayed and felt right to leave, she still feels a sense of guilt about initiating the divorce. Is this normal?
• Despite Mike's mistakes, and despite his no-go when it comes to remarrying, Elizabeth still feels that she loves him, particularly now that he seems to have changed his ways. As a result she's very hesitant to pursue any other relationship because if she had the slightest chance to return to her former husband, she thinks she'd drop everything and go for it. How can she find the courage to open up to a relationship with someone new?
EXPERTS POINTERS - Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist.
IF Mike is consistently saying NO to renewing the marriage, AND pursuing other relationships, THEN your challenge it to LET GO, or move toward letting go! It sounds like you are the one emotionally dependant on him, unable to say No?
Emotional dependancy comes from feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, that make us need someone else to feel good about ourselves. This is perpetuated by negative self-talk and negative self-beliefs that think no one else could love me, and stem from not accepting yourself. This is in the realm of psychotherapy that really does benefit from having a counsellor or psychologist to guide you through.
1. Moving away from emotional dependency involves this inner work of accepting and strengthening yourself - ie cultivating self-talk that is affirming (I enjoy being me, I can do this, I can help myself feel good about being me, I can care for myself emotionally etc). As Chrsitians we have rich resources to mine in God's Word about His honest and realistic love for me, and how He has had His hand shaping my life, making me the person that I am today.
It also involves being clear and disciplined with yourself about choosing to MOVE ON FROM MIKE. I would write yourself a long list of reasons why you want to move on. This will really help in the dark times when your soul and body want him back.
2. It also involves practical issues of cultivating other interests and friendships, and particulary friendships where there can be healthy emotional intimacy. In Christian circles, prayer partnerships or prayer triplets are excellent ways of doing this- meeting each week or fortnight to share our lives and pray for each other. You could speak to your Minister about other women in your church with whom this might be possible.
You want to be enriching your life, enlarging your social circles, taking on a new hobby to distract yourself from the emotional pain of Mike.
3. You also need to communicate clearly with Mike, that because he is unable to reciprocate your feelings, you now need to fully separate yourself from him to be able to start a fesh chapter in your life. Tell him that you will not be returning calls or texts, and no longer exchanging gifts and sharing holidays. Maybe after 12-18 months, you can explore resuming a friendship, but for the time being you need space from him (despite how much this will hurt you).
Ironically, it is as we become more independant and strong within ourselves, that we become more attractive to others! But first, there is a painful and necessary journey of overcoming emotional dependancy.
